Chapter 21

In the end, Steve chose the burger with potato wedges and Morrison went for the goat’s cheese and chilli baguette. Pigshit noticed that particular menu item, but was suspicious of the fact the proprietors of the Village Inn had ducked the issue of whether it should be goat’s cheese or goats’ cheese by leaving out the apostrophe altogether.

They listened to Young Guns (Go for It!) while they waited for the food to arrive.

“So,” began Pigshit. “Jimbo tells me you’ve been to the stationery cupboard.”

“Yeah,” said Steve. “I had to get a ruler.”

“Did you find a good one?”

“Oh aye. A nice, clear plastic one.”

“Is it one of those with the stainless-steel cutting edge?” asked Morrison.

“No, it’s just plastic. A good one, mind. Lovely and straight.”

“Metric and imperial units?” asked Pigshit.

“Aye. I hate those ones that only have metric, or just centimetres and no millimetres.”

Pigshit was getting riled.

“Who the fuck wants a ruler that doesn’t have millimetres? What’s the point of that?”

“Don’t ask me,” replied Steve with a shrug.

“I like those metal rulers,” said Morrison, still thinking of his goat’s cheese baguette.

“They didn’t have any of them in the stationery cupboard.”

“Why do you need a ruler, anyway?” asked Morrison.

Steve looked at him like he was stupid.

“To draw straight lines, of course.”

“Aye, but … why?”

“Well … if you’re doing a report for Mitchell, she always insists on having your headings underlined.”

“But you type out reports, surely?” said Pigshit. “That’s why you have a computer on your desk.”

“Yeah, but I still have to underline the headings!” protested Steve.

Pigshit looked at him like he was stupid.

“So I type out the report,” said Steve earnestly. “Print it, then get a black pen and underline the headings wi’ a ruler.”

Morrison laughed.

“You fucking tart,” said Pigshit. “You do know there’s an option in Word to do underlining, don’t you? Even I know that, and I don’t even do reports.”

“What?”

“There’s a button.”

“A wee icon,” interjected Morrison.

“There’s a button that’s like a U with a line under it. You press that.”

“Oh.”

“There’s also a keyboard shortcut,” said Morrison, “where you highlight a piece of text and do ctrl-U.”

“See? Just listen to Bill fucking Gates over there,” smiled Pigshit. “He’ll keep you right.”

And just then, like an angel carrying a tray of food, Jill Harvey appeared with the food.

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